When I first signed up for OkCupid, I was underage. I was 17, turning 18 later in the year in September. This is technically against the site’s policy, but that’s besides the point ♥
In high school, I had only one very close friend. The only relationship I had been in by my senior year in high school was during my freshman year and was terminated because I was supposedly getting in the way of his relationship with God.
Don’t date Eagle scouts.
I had always been a hopeless romantic. I was very lonely. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I was desperate. I was desperate for attention. I am a proud self indulging narcissist. After being bullied, teased, and called a pig ever since I entered public schooling, I think I deserved some attention, affection, and love. So I decided to take a proactive approach. My friend had embarked on the holy seas of OkCupid and shared all of her experiences with me. It sounded like so much fun. All of these attractive men found her attractive and wanted to hook up with her. She was with a different guy every few days and it just sounded so exciting, so of course, even though I was underage, I made an account.
I put a few selfies on the site, wrote a sassy lil profile and I was soon receiving a multitude of messages from men. Some attractive, some very attractive, and some not so much. A lot of the men are creeps, this is just a fact, but just don’t respond…a profile that says “replies very selectively” is much more alluring. Imagine how special a guy feels when you respond to him after he knows that you are very selective hmmm?
The first guy I met was Justin. Half Korean, tall, dark hair, green eyes, he was nearly my ideal physically. I could not believe that he found this chubby girl with acne attractive. Justin seemed sweet and I told my mom I was heading to my friend’s house when he drove to my house and picked me up. NOT A SMART MOVE THANK GOD ALLAH AND BUDDHA NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME. In hindsight, this was incredibly dangerous. I gave him my address and got in his car. Crazy. Stupid. Insane. That’s part of why I was so drawn to him and I trusted him when I had no reason to. I was so attracted to the thrill. Justin lived 3 hours away from me on the Eastern Shore of Maryland and drove all the way to see me, which completely flattered me.
So here’s the TL;DR version. We went out. My 17 year old self was googly eyed over him. We went out one more time. I got high for the first time with me. I snuck him into my room. He was the first guy to see me completely naked. The first to eat me out. He didn’t ask me to do anything to him. He slept in my bed and left at the asscrack of dawn to drive back to the Eastern Shore. Found out he was a drug dealer, which made him even more attractive because of the ~danger~ Then all of the sudden he tells me that it’s over. That he has a girlfriend. That he does this sometimes. He cheats on his girlfriend, but he was trying to change now. I apparently wasn’t the only girl he saw either. There were 3 in total. This was my first experience. I still continued online dating.
After Justin, I was really, really upset. I was distraught. I didn’t really know how to cope with my emotions. I fell way too hard for him too quickly. I made a lot of stupid mistakes. I learned a lot from Justin. After him, I really started to change. The hopeless romantic in me was still alive, but I was pretty much done with bullshit like this from men. I casually talked with a bunch of guys on the website. I went on a messaging spree and spontaneously sent a message to this guy who captioned one of his pictures “3urotr@$h” and stated that he loved ice cream. One of the only people to correctly answer the “what does wherefore mean” question, the Shakespeare addict in me was convinced we were meant to be.
The second guy I met was M. My current boyfriend. We went out for frozen yogurt. He got every flavor they had and put $8 worth of toppings on it. The only customers there, we filled the place up with our life stories. How we came to Maryland. How much this place blows. We talked about what we wanted to do in the future, college, jobs, family, music, everything. After, we decided to go to a park since the weather was nice. I got into his car, a blue Ford Focus stationwagon. As we were driving to the park, he got a phone call. It was pretty intense and from what I gathered at the time, he had gotten scammed out of a lot of money. He is also a locksmith. He was also 19 at the time. Yes. A 19 year old locksmith. The phone call kind of put me off, but it was an important phone call, so I understood. Once we got to the park, we laid down on the grass. I had never looked up at the clouds before. I always thought that was just something people do in movies, but here I was with a tall, blonde haired, blue eyed, guy staring up at the clouds. I rested my head on his arm. He turned his head to me. I turned mine to his and we kissed. It was getting chilly. We went back to his place. A townhouse, which will be its own post entirely because his housemates are hilarious. We went downstairs. I was a virgin when I met him, but I never really put value on my virginity. I thought the whole concept was kind of stupid at the time. I lost my virginity to him. I think that’s part of the reason why I am so attached to him. Why I can’t emotionally detach like I can with other guys now. He’ll always have something of mine.
After this first date we didn’t really talk. I went out and saw another guy the following week, but we had 0 chemistry. It was really awkward because I had told my mom that I was going to see a play and that I would be home late, so I couldn’t just go home. At a loss of what to do, I called M. and asked if I could come over. Crazy. Stupid. Sometimes I think that if I didn’t go on that bad date, M. and I may not have had a second date, which is insane to think about.
I asked him to prom, we saw each other throughout the summer, we had a falling out towards the end of the summer, he didn’t come say goodbye to me when I left for college, which really hurt. It hurt a lot. We had a conversation about it when I got to school. He apologized, but I was still really upset. While I’m at college, we write each other letters. I broke up with him last month because he forgot that I was visiting him that weekend. After he realized that I really would leave him, he really changed. He is much more passionate, devoted, and loving. I love him dearly.
While I’m at school, M. and I have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy about what happens with other people romantically. We’re in an open relationship, but we don’t discuss our external escapades with one another.
I had stopped meeting people once M. and I became more serious, but when I went to school I made a new profile for casual hookups. The beast needs release. I love sex. A lot. And while I’m young I’m going to enjoy it. A lot. And M. is okay with that.
So that’s my stooooory hope I didn’t bore you to death, I know this was really long ♥